Al Leiter ERA Qualification Update (5/23-5/29)

in which we track the 39 year-old Marlins lefty in his quest for 162 Innings Pitched

Al's Era: 6.91
Innings Pitched: 43
Marlins Games: 47
Qualifies: no! (-4 Innings)

(To qualify for the ERA title, a pitcher must average at least 1 inning pitched for each game played. )

So what's the deal with Al Leiter and his ERA? I'll tell you!

'Tis a sad day at Al Leiter ERA Qualification Headquarters. For Mighty Al does not qualify for the ERA title. This is the first time this has happened since the opening week of the season. Before this week, Al had been teetering on the brink, but always found a way to be on the qualifying end when we checked in on him each Monday. Why does he not qualify? Because Al's only start this week (against the Phillies on May 25th) was miserable. He pitched just 2.1 innings, letting up 5 runs. This raised his ERA to an abominable 6.91, and seriously jeopardizes Al's spot in the rotation.

Al! Please improve! If you are banished to the bullpen, you will never make it to 162 innings pitched. You will not qualify for the ERA title. You will have to listen to Jim Mecir tell the same boring fishing stories day after day after day. It will not be fun at all.

Al is slated for two starts this week. Pray that he does well. Pray that he stays in the rotation. Just pray. You've got to pray just to make it today. MC Hammer said that.

Remember, you can't spell Al Leiter without ERA!

Back Page Barometer (5/21-5/27)

In which we gauge the popularity of New York’s major league franchises by using the ultimate indicator: appearances on the back page of The Post and The Daily News.

Visit here to see the headlines each day:
www.nydailynews.com/front/covers
www.nypost.com/frontback.html

The Mets got more back page covers than the Yankees! Sure, that statement should come equipped with a big, fat asterisk, and I will explain it in detail in a moment. But first, enjoy the numbers for the week. I mean, really enjoy them. Let them loll around in your mouth like a big old butterscotch hard candy:

("negative" and "positive" refers whether the coverage was critical or celebratory)

Total Baseball Covers: 14 (8 positive, 6 negative)
News: 7 (4 positive, 3 negative)
Post: 7 (4 positive, 3 negative)

Yankee Covers: 6 (all positive)
News: 3
Post: 3

Met Covers: 8 (2 positive, 6 negative)
News: 4 (1 positive, 3 negative)
Post:4 (1 positive, 3 negative)

A quick aside before getting into the the Mets back-page victory...

It's not uncommon at all for both papers to feature a back cover devoted to the same baseball story. In fact, this happens more often that not. Still, this week was the first in which each paper featured the same exact story every day. Talk about a hive mindset...

But, the Mets! They netted 8 covers this week, nearly a third of their 2005 total of 25 covers. This was a badly needed moral victory in a season in which the attention has gone to the Yankees at every opportunity. But why did the Mets net 8 covers?

Because they were playing the Yankees! In Subway Series #1, the Yanks took two out of three. But all 8 back covers devoted to the Subway Series featured the Mets (6 this week, 2 last week)! Granted, four of these covers were negative, but as the saying goes "There's no such thing as bad publicity". It was bad publicity though. Errors factored into both Met losses. And check the covers:

5/20: Matsui boots a double-play grounder. Post and News headline: "E-Train" (w/pics of Matsui booting ball)
5/22: David Wright and Jose Reyes make back-to-back 8th inning errors.
News: "Reign of Error"
Post: "EE-Mazin"

So, the Mets enter the city's baseball consciousness, albeit as error-prone losers. A step in the right direction nonetheless.

Headline of the Week: will return next week. I've got to get my act together, plain and simple. I mean "we". "We've" got to get our act together. All of us here at Greased Poker Chips.

Season Stats (there have been 2.8 Yankee covers for every Met Cover):

Baseball Covers: 97 (49 positive, 48 negative)
News: 49 (25 positive, 24 negative)
Post: 48 (24 positive, 24 negative)

Yankee Covers: 71 (35 positive, 36 negative)
News: 34 (17 positive, 17 negative)
Post: 37 (18 positive, 19 negative)

Met Covers: 25 (14 positive, 11 negative)
News: 15 (8 positive, 7 negative)
Post: 10 (6 positive, 4 negative)

The Franco-Files #7 (5/18-5/24)

in which we track the exploits of Julio and John Franco, baseball’s two oldest players. They are both named J. Franco. Don't forget that.

Time to check in again with our good friends Julio and John. They are a combined 90 years old, much like the Constitution (signed 1957) and the Bill of Rights (signed 1963).

We always check in with Julio first. Tradition demands it.

Julio

Whoa! Julio got a ton of playing time this week, by far the most he has gotten in any 7-day span during the 2005 campaign. He appeared in all 6 games that the Braves played, and started in 5 of them! This herculean stretch of sustained playing time suggests that perhaps Julio is Hercules reincarnated. It is actually not uncommon for mythical Greek figures to be reincarnated as modern-day big leaguers, with the last known case being when Hephaestus returned to this mortal sphere in the form of Mark Whiten.

Unfortunately, God-like status does not translate to God-like stats, for Julio's average took a severe beating in the midst of all this playing time. All told, he went 2-19 (and walked once), lowering his average to a dismal .218.

Perhaps Julio's 46 year-old body cannot withstand so much on-field action. Hey, Braves Manager Bobby Cox! Give Julio a rest. Just because he cleaned the Augean Stables in a former life doesn't mean he's gonna excel on the baseball diamond every single day.



John

Whaddya know? John got a lot of playing time this week as well, appearing in four contests. He needed it, seeing as he was coming off of a week in which he only pitched a third of an inning. All told, he was pretty successful. True, his ERA took a beating (it's now up to 3.86 after he allowed two runs against the Rangers on May 20th), and he only retired 5 of the 10 batters he faced (opposing batters went 2-7 and walked three times). But you've got to look beyond those numbers. John gets the outs when it matters, and evidence of this is that he did not allow any of the five runners he inherited to score. When you're dealing with someone whose role is as specialized as John's, this is a key stat. What's with all this sober-minded analysis all of a sudden, anyways? What happened to the laughs?

Oldest Batter Faced (week): Luis Gonzalez, Diamondbacks, 37 (81 cumulative years in that match-up).
Oldest Batter Faced (year): Larry Walker, Cardinals, 38 (5 months older than Vizquel)
Youngest Batter Faced (week): Brad Halsey, Diamondbacks, 24 (born while John was mourning the defeat of Jimmy Carter).
Youngest Batter Faced (year): Jose Reyes, 21.
Total Batters Faced (week): 10, who were a combined158 years younger than John (avg. 15.8 years younger).
Total Batters Faced (year): 27, who have been a combined 375 years younger than John (avg. 13.9 years younger).

Al Leiter ERA Qualification Update #7 (5/16-5/22)

in which we track the 39 year-old Marlins lefty in his quest for 162 Innings Pitched

Al's ERA: 6.20
Innings Pitched: 40.2
Marlins Games: 40
Qualifies?: Yes! (+ .2 innings)

(To qualify for the ERA title, a pitcher must average at least 1 inning pitched for each game played. In the NL, 60 pitchers currently qualify for the ERA title.)

N.L.'s Best ERA: Roger Clemens, Astros, 1.29
N.L.'s Worst ERA: Paul Wilson, Reds, 7.77
Al Leiter: 6.20, 55th place

So what's the deal with Al Leiter and his ERA? I'll tell you!

This past week, Al pulled off a difficult feat. He was the winning pitcher in a game in which his already astronomical ERA was raised even higher (from 6.06 to 6.20). This game was on May 14th against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Al lasted 5 innings, and allowed four runs. That was good enough for the Marlins, who held on for a 7-6 win. Al's win-loss record is now 2-4 on the year.

We're happy to see Al get the win. But, once again, Al: You must log more than 5 innings a start! For the third week in a row, Al has the fewest innings pitched of any pitcher who qualifies for the NL ERA title. Al is tempting fate, constantly teetering on the brink, ready to fall into the stinking cesspool of non-ERA-title qualifying pitchers at any minute.

Get away from the brink, Al. That cesspool smells!

Pray for Al Leiter on May 25th when he goes against the Philadelphia Phillies. He desperately needs to pitch more innings!

Remember, you can't spell Al Leiter without ERA!

Back-Page Barometer (5/14-5/20)

In which we gauge the popularity of New York’s major league franchises by using the ultimate indicator: appearances on the back page of The Post and The Daily News.

Visit here to see the headlines each day:
www.nydailynews.com/front/covers
http://www.nypost.com/frontback.html

In our last Back-Page Barometer (5/7-5/13), we commented on how the Yankee's back-page dominance had grown to ludicrous proportions, as the Yanks had been the subjects of all of last week's covers. Every single one. Whether horribly underachieving or streaking their way to ten consecutive victories, the Yankees are the baseball story in NYC. Let's check the numbers for the week. Did anything change?

("negative" and "positive" refers whether the coverage was critical or celebratory)

Total Baseball Covers: 14 (11 positive, 3 negative)
News: 7 (5 positive, 2 negative)
Post: 7 (6 positive, 1 negative)

Yankee Covers: 11 (8 positive, 3 negative)
News: 5 (3 positive, 2 negative)
Post: 6 (5 positive, 1 negative)

Met Covers: 3 (all positive)
News: 2
Post:1

This past week was full of overwhelmingly positive back-page coverage. This was largely due to the Yankee's winning streak, which finally ended with a 7-6 loss to the Mariners on Wednesday night (the Post responded to this with a "Sweepless in Seattle" headline). The Met's were no slouches themselves, going 4-2 for the week. On May 14th, they picked up their first back cover since May 2nd. Tom Glavine shut out the Reds, and the News came out with the headline "Glav-win!".

The other two covers I have logged as Mets covers both came today (5/20), and are hyping the upcoming subway series. The News' cover had an obvious Mets slant, as it featured a picture of manager Willie Randolph (the headline "Subway Serious" was a reference to Willie's plan to not fraternize with his old Yankee co-horts during the series). The Post's headline was more ambiguous, as it featured both Beltran and Jeter on the cover. Since the headline was "Shea Ball", however, I attributed this cover as one for the Mets. They need all the help they can get, and a strong showing against the Yanks this weekend would go a long way towards solidifying them as a headline-gathering force this season.

Headline of the Week: Post, 5/16. The night before, Jason Giambi had had a beer thrown on him by a disgruntled fan in Oakland. But, the Yankees and Giambi had the last laugh. They beat the A's 6-4, and the deciding hit was Giambi's RBI double. The Post summed all of this up brilliantly with the headline "Brew Ha-Ha".

Now for the season totals. There have been 3.8 Yankee covers for every Met Cover.

Baseball Covers: 83 (41 positive, 42 negative)
News: 42 (21 positive, 21 negative)
Post: 41 (20 positive, 21 negative)

Yankee Covers: 65 ( 29 positive, 36 negative)
News: 31 (14 positive, 17 negative)
Post: 34 (15 positive, 19 negative)

Met Covers: 17 (12 positive, 5 negative)
News: 11 (7 positive, 4 negative)
Post: 6 (5 positive, 1 negative)

The Franco-Files #6 (5/11-5/17)

- in which we track the exploits of Julio and John Franco, baseball’s two oldest players.They are both named J. Franco. Don't forget that.

Time to check in again with our good friends Julio and John. They are to baseball what Giant Sea Tortoises are to box turtles. Sort of.

Protocol dictates that we check in with Julio first:

Julio

Our J. Franco of the Dominican persuasion saw action in 4 games this week, starting in three of them. Overall, he went 3-14 (.214). This sub-par showing lowered his average for the season to .254. But you cannot judge a player's performance by batting average alone, for Julio's week had two distinct highlights.

The first was on May 11th, with Julio's Braves playing the Rockies in Colorado. With a runner on second and two outs in the top of the 9th of a 4-4 game, the dangerous Chipper Jones comes to the plate. The Rockies want nothing to do with him, so they intentionally walk him. After all, they figure, Julio Franco is up next. He's 46 years old, he can't possibly hurt us. Well, Colorado Rockies, it's that kind of thinking that has gotten you into the cellar of the National League West. For Julio came through with a RBI single to give the Braves a 5-4 lead! True, the Rockies won the game 6-5 after Dan Kold blew the save in the bottom of the 9th, but that wasn't Julio's fault.

The second highlight of Julio's week came on May 14th against the Dodgers. Batting in the top of the 9th, Julio singled off of Eric Gagne. But Julio, ever ambitious, decided that he would rather be on second base. So, he stole second! This was Julio's first stolen base of the year, and the first stolen base by a 46 year-old in, oh, I don't know, like, ever.

In short, Julio continues to amaze. He is an amazing man.

Oldest Pitcher Faced (week): Rudy Seanez, Padres, 36 (82 cumulative years in this match-up).
Oldest Pitcher Faced (year): Roger Clemens, 42.
Youngest Pitcher Faced (week): Chin-Hui Tsao, Rockies, 23 (for the second week in a row).
Youngest Pitcher Faced (year): Gavin Floyd, Phillies, 22.
Total Pitchers Faced (week): 9, who were a combined 155 years younger than Julio (avg. 17.2 years)
Total Pitchers Faced (year): 35, who have been a combined 537 years younger than Julio (avg. 15.3 years)

John

Loyal readers of this column know that John's been a on a tear lately. Week after week, his ERA goes down, the averages of his opponents decrease, and his inherited runners stay unscored.

None of that changed this week. John's ERA decreased to 1.69, his opponent's average to .250, and none of the runners he inherited scored. Par for the course. But here's the problem: John only appeared in one game! Now, we know the workload for 44 year-old situational lefties is limited, but c'mon! One measly game? Only 1/3rd of an inning pitched? Only two batters faced? This is ridiculous!

Considering that we live in a peaceful, stable world in which resources are distributed evenly and everyone lives in harmony, we must find other causes to fight for. Well, how about this one? Call and write your elected representatives, and ask that they see to it that John Franco gets in more games. He is a natural treasure and we need to see more of him, before he goes the way of the Giant Sea Tortoise.

Despite the lack of action, here's a recap of John's week:

Oldest Batter Faced (week): Omar Vizquel, Giants, 38 (82 cumulative years in that match-up).
Oldest Batter Faced (year): Larry Walker, Cardinals, 38 (5 months older than Vizquel)
Youngest Batter Faced (week): Kirk Rueter, 34 (when Kirk Ruter is the youngest batter you know John's had a week of extremely limited action).
Youngest Batter Faced (year): Jose Reyes, 21.
Total Batters Faced (week): 2, who were a combined16 years younger than John (avg. 8 years younger).
Total Batters Faced (year): 20, who have been a combined 264 years younger than John (avg. 13.2 years younger).

Al Leiter ERA Qualification Update #6 (5/9-5/15)

-in which we track the 39 year-old Marlins lefty in his quest for 162 Innings Pitched

Al's ERA: 6.06
Innings Pitched: 35.2
Marlins Games: 34
Qualifies?: Yes! (+1.2 innings)

(To qualify for the ERA title, a pitcher must average at least 1 inning pitched for each game played. In the NL, 63 pitchers currently qualify for the ERA title.)

N.L.'s Best ERA: Dontrelle Willis, Marlins, 1.08
N.L.'s Worst ERA: Oliver Perez, Pirates, 8.03
Al Leiter: 6.06, 57th place

So what's the deal with Al Leiter and his ERA? I'll tell you!

- Al lowered his ERA from last week's ghastly 6.67. He took a tough luck loss to Jake Peavy and the Padres, pitching 6 innings and allowing only two earned runs. This worsened his won-loss record to 1-4, but lowered his ERA by .61 points. If Al lowers his ERA by .61 with every start from here on in, he'll finish with a sub-zero ERA. This means he would become a super-pitcher, blessed with the power to take away another team's runs!

Stat-obsessed geeks will say this impossible. Don't listen to them Al! Believe in yourself! Believe in your power to have a sub-zero ERA!

But Al, be warned. A sub-zero ERA won't mean nearly as much if you don't even qualify for the ERA title! Al's 35.2 innings pitched are tied with the Rockies' Sean Chacon for the lowest of all National League qualifiers. Al must log more innings! Enough with these 5 and 6 inning starts, Al. Let's see some complete games!

I could go on and on about Al, but that will be all for this week. Tune in next week for another edition of the AL LEITER ERA QUALIFICATION UPDATE!

Back-Page Barometer (5/7-5/13)

In which we gauge the popularity of New York’s major league franchises by using the ultimate indicator: appearances on the back page of The Post and The Daily News.

In our last "Back Page Barometer" update (4/30-5/6), the story was that the Yankee's back-page dominance had kicked into full gear. Sure, they were dominating the back page with tales of their negative play, but negative attention is better than no attention at all (just ask the Mets). This past week, the Yanks really started to turn things around. After losing on May 7th, they embarked on a still-active winning streak, determined to make it back to the .500 mark. Check the numbers: The Yankee's monopoly on the tabloids' back pages only increased.

Total Baseball Covers: 12 (7 positive, 5 negative)
News: 6 (4 positive, 2 negative)
Post (3 positive, 3 negative)

Yankee Covers: 12 (7 positive, 5 negative)
News: 6 (4 positive, 2 negative)
Post: 6 (3 positive, 3 negative)

Met Covers: 0

Yep, the Yankees were the subjects of all of the tabloid's back-page headlines. All of them. Every single one. As the Yankee's play improved, the tab's coverage became more celebratory. For example, after Kevin Brown pitched the Yanks to a 6-0 victory over the A's on on May 8th, the Post's headline was "Kevin Sent". This, from the same paper that just last month called him "Bad, Bad Brown" (and the News had called him "Kevin Clown"). The tabloids are nothing if not fickle. And they still found time for some of their customary shit-stirring. Jason Giambi's refusal to go the minors netted three covers during the week. On May 11th, both papers featured back covers with pitures of Giambi. "I'm Not Goin'" screamed the Post. "Put Up or Go Down" wailed the News. Yes, the tabloids are always screaming, blaring, wailing, or yelling. They are as subtle as a heart attack during an earthquake.

Headline of the Week: News, May 9th.

The Yankees current winning streak started with 2 wins over the Oakland A's on May 7th and 8th (they lost the first game of the series). After the second win, the News responded with "Yanks Win Series!", a Bronx cheer of a headline if there ever was one.

Next week, we'll see if the Mets can get at least one measly back cover. Currently the ratio of Yankee covers to Mets covers is 3.9:1 for the season.

Let's close this out with the season tally (headlines 4/4-5/14)

Baseball Covers: 69 (30 positive, 39 negative)
News: 35 (16 positive, 19 negative)
Post: 34 (14 positive, 20 negative)

Yankee Covers: 54 (21 positive, 33 negative)
News: 26 (11 positive, 15 negative)
Post: 28 (10 positive, 18 negative)

Met Covers: 14 (9 positive, 5 negative)
News: 9 (5 positive, 4 negative)
Post: 5 (4 positive, 1 negative)

The Franco-Files #5

- in which we track the exploits of Julio and John Franco, baseball’s two oldest players.
They are both named J. Franco. Don't forget that.

Time to check in again with our good friends Julio and John. They are to baseball what the Rolling Stones are to rock and roll, sort of.

Julio

When we last wrote about Julio, he had just suffered through a miserable week in which he hit a Tom Lawless-esque .077. This past week, things defininitely improved. He appeared in three games, starting in one, and batted .500 for the week (3-6). All three of those hits came on May 7th against John Franco's Astros. And one of those hits was...drumroll, please...louder....louder....louder....LOUDER....A HOME RUN!!! It was Julio's first round-tripper of the year. Who knows, maybe it was the first home run hit by a 46 year-old in MLB history. I can't think of another time that it's happened. Can you? Andy Pettite was probably embarassed that he gave up a home run to a 46 year old man. Don't fret, Andy. That was no ordinary 46 year old man you were dealing with. That was Julio motherfucking Franco.

Oldest Pitcher Faced (week): The aforementioned, perpetually baby-faced Andy Pettite, 32 (76 cumulative years in that match-up).
Oldest Pitcher Faced (year): Roger Clemens, 42 (now the winningest pitcher alive, much like Julio is the oldest man alive).
Youngest Pitcher Faced (week): Chin-Hui Tsao, Rockies, 23 (multiply his age by 2 and you've got Julio).
Youngest Pitcher Faced (year): Gavin Floyd, Phillies, 22.
Total Pitchers Faced (week): 4, who were a combined 68 years younger than Julio (avg. 17 years).
Total Pitchers Faced (year): 27, who have been a combined 404 years younger than Julio (avg. 15 years)

John

John's been on a roll. When we last checked up on him, he had retired 6 batters in a row (and counting). Did he keep it up?

The answer is...YES! On May 6th, John pitched 2/3rds of an inning for the third consecutive time (a mighty feat that he had not managed in any of his seven previous outings). Then, on May 10th (his next appearance), the streak was broken when he walked Juan Encarnacion (before retiring Juan Pierre on a fielder's choice). It is worth mentioning that Encarnacion is a righty, and John specializes in retiring lefties. He probably "accidentally on purpose" walked Encarnacion so he could then face Pierre, a lefty. John knows what he's doing. He's 44 years old. Anyways, John is really on fire now. He hasn't allowed a hit (or an inherited runner to score, for that matter) since April 19th against the Braves. His ERA stands at 1.93. After a shaky start, he's really settled into a nice groove. Let's hope he stays in that groove all the way until he beats Jesse Orosco's all-time appearances mark!

Oldest Batter Faced (week): The ah-4-mentioned Juan Encarnacion, Marlins, 29 (okay, John didn't really face many batters this week).
Oldest Batter Faced (year): Larry Walker, 38.
Youngest Batter Faced (week): Adam LaRoche, 25 (born while John was waiting in line for Empire Strikes Back tickets).
Youngest Batter Faced (year): Jose Reyes, 21.
Total Batters Faced (week): 4, who were a combined67 years younger than John (avg. 16.8 years younger).
Total Batters Faced (year): 18, who have been a combined 248 years younger than John (avg. 13.8 years younger).

Al Leiter ERA Qualification Update #5 (5/2-5/8)

in which we track the 39 year-old Marlins lefty in his quest for 162 Innings Pitched.

Al's ERA: 6.67
Innings Pitched: 29.2
Marlins Games: 28
Qualifies?: Yes! (+1.2 innings over minimum needed)

(To qualify for the ERA title, a pitcher must average at least 1 inning pitched for each game played. In the NL, 57 pitchers currently qualify for the ERA title.)

N.L.'s Best ERA: Dontrelle Willis, 1.07
N.L.'s Worst ERA: Oliver Perez, 8.03
AL Leiter: 6.67, 53rd place.

When we last left Al, he was in the midst of a maddening 11 day stretch in which he did not pitch. As a result, he fell below the Innings Pitched needed to qualify for the title. That must not happen!

Well, the good news is that since then, Al started twice.The first start, on May 3rd against the Braves, went well enough. Al sweated through 5 innings, allowing only 1 earned run and picking up the win (despite walking 6 batters and only striking out 2). This solid effort lowered Al's ERA to an almost-respectable 4.91.

But then came May 8th. Oh, how Al wished he called in sick that day. He allowed 8 earned runs in a measly 4 innings pitched against the Rockies, taking the loss (he's now 1-4). Now, if this game had been in Colorado (any pitcher's worst nightmare), this loss would have been understandable. But it happened in Florida! Al, how could you? This travesty of an outing raised Al's ERA to an abominable (and almost satanic) 6.67, nearly the worst in the league.

It is worth noting that of all the pitchers in the National League who qualify for the ERA title, Al has the fewest innings pitched of all of them. This is why we here at Greased Poker Chips chose to follow Al's quest for ERA qualification so meticulously. We just knew this would happen. Hang in there, Al, hang in there. It's gonna be a long ride to 162 Innings Pitched, but rest assured, we'll be with you all the way.

Remember, you can't spell "Al Leiter" without "ERA"!

Back Page Barometer (4/30-5/6)

In which we gauge the popularity of New York’s major league franchises by using the ultimate indicator: appearances on the back page of The Post and The Daily News.

When we last checked in the tabloids and their treatment of the Yanks and the Metropolitans, the Mets had slowly been starting to get some recognition for their (sometimes) exciting play. Did that trend continue? Let's check the numbers:

("negative" and "positive" refers whether the coverage was critical or celebratory)

Total Baseball Covers (4/30-5/6): 13
News: 6 (1 positive, 5 negative)
Post: 7 (2 positive, 5 negative)

Yankee Covers: 12 (2 positive, 10 negative)
News: 6 (1 positive, 5 negative)
Post: 6 (1 positive, 5 negative)

Met Covers: 1 (1 positive, 0 negative)
News: 0
Post: 1 (positive)

The big story this week was the Yankees' unprecedently bad play. They went 2-5 over the week, falling into a last-place tie with the Devil Rays. The tabloids love this, as the Yankees doing poorly is a more intriguing story than when they do well. This was most evident on May 3rd. Although the Yanks had won the night before, both tabs went with covers critical of recent line-up changes ("Panic!", screamed the News) instead of celebrating the victory. The Mets just can't compete with the intrigue of Steinbrenner's 200 Million Dollar busts; they went a modest 4-3 for the week and netted just one cover (in the Post, surprisingly), which celebrated their Sunday night win over the Nationals. ("D.C. Follies")

The Mets are going to have put together a dominating winning streak in order to grab the city's attention, otherwise they will continue to languish in obscurity. Neither Pedro or Beltran have netted a back cover during the 2005 campaign!

Headline of the Week: Post, May 6th.

The Yankees got swept by the D-Rays the night before, falling into a last place tie. This certainly ruined the fun of any Yankee fan celebrating Mexican Independence, and the Post tapped into this frustration with it's brilliant "Stinko De Mayo" headline.

For the season, the Yankees' back-page dominance is getting comical. Here's the tally.

Total Baseball Covers: 57 (23 positive, 34 negative)
News: 29 (12 positive, 17 negative)
Post: 28 (11 positive, 17 negative)

Yankees Covers: 42 (14 positive, 28 negative)
News: 20 (7 positive, 13 negative)
Post: 22 (7 positive, 15 negative)

Mets Covers: 14 (9 positive, 5 negative)
News: 9 (5 positive, 4 negative)
Post: 5 (4 positive, 1 negative)

Unanswered Questions

"Ranger Rick had a ten foot dick,
and he showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake
and hit it with a rake
and now it's only 1 foot 4."

I am not clear on the origins of this little sing-songy poem, but it was well known around my elementary school (Madison Ave, circa 1986). At the time, me and my classmates thought it was funny, and we'd often say it to one another at recess. We all assumed that Ranger Rick was some kind of pervert, and that the lady next door was entirely justified in hitting his dick with a rake (reducing it's size by 104 inches in the process).

As I've moved onto adulthood, I've learned that most issues are not black and white, and that the truth of any situation is hard to discern. Some questions need to be asked of both Ranger Rick and the woman next door if we are to find out what really happened in this unfortunate dick-raking incident.

-Did Ranger Rick know the lady next door before exposing himself? If so, what was their relationship?

- Why would the lady next door think Ranger Rick's dick was a snake? Did Ranger Rick alter it's appearance?

- Did Ranger Rick suffer from some sort of condition that would cause his dick to be so freakishly large? If so, what was it? Was he proud of his condition, or was it a constant source of embarrassment?

-Was this "Ranger Rick" the same individual who had his own outdoors-related children's magazine? If so, he should have been extra-wary of exposing himself, considering the irreparable harm it had on his reputation. Perhpas that's why his eponymous magazine is no longer around.

We'll probably never know the answers to these questions, as I have no idea how to get in contact with either Ranger Rick or the lady next door. My own take on the situation is that Ranger Rick had no intent to be lecherous, his exposure to the lady next door was most likely a desperate cry for help.

But perhaps this story had a happy ending. Provided Ranger Rick's newly "1 foot 4" genitalia was still in good working order, I imagine it would be much easier to manage than when it was 10 feet long (how'd he even keep that thing in his pants, anyway?). Perhaps, once the lady next door realized she wasn't dealing with a snake, amorous relations developed between the two. 16 inches is still a lot of man.

The Franco-Files #4 (4/27-5/03)

- in which we track the exploits of Julio and John Franco, baseball’s two oldest players.

Last week was a mediocre one for Julio, as his average dipped below .300 for the first time all year. This displeased Julio. John, meanwhile, was coming off his best outing of the year, a flawless outing in which he logged a season high 2/3rds (!) of an inning.

Let's now check in on the week that was for our ancient twosome.

Julio

The good news for Julio was that he got a lot of playing time last week. He started in three games, and appeared in four. Perhaps all that action got to Julio, however. His stats were quite dismal: 1-13 with two walks. Yes, just one hit. That's a Tom Lawless-esque .077 average for the week, which lowers his season average to .225 (9-40). Oh, man. What's going on here? Perhaps Julio got in a fight with some mummies, who put a curse on him. A curse that lowers one's batting average dramatically. Julio, I know mummies are closer to you in age than most of your teammates. That doesn't mean you should hang out with them.

Oldest Pitcher Faced (Week): Al Leiter, Marlins, 39 (85 cumulative years in this match-up).
Oldest Pitcher Faced (Year): Roger Clemens, Astros, 42.
Youngest Pitcher Faced (Week): Mark Mulder, Cardinals, 27 (Julio was already out of high school when this former member of "the big 3" was born).
Youngest Pitcher Faced (Year): Gavin Floyd, Phillies, 22.
Total Pitchers Faced (Week): 9, who were a combined 126 years younger than Julio (avg. 14 years younger).
Total Pitchers Faced (Year): 24, who have been a combined 354 years younger than Julio (avg. 14.8 years younger).

John

As mentioned earlier, John ended last week with a triumphant outing against the Cardinals, where he pitched 2/3rds of an inning. That must have felt really good to John, because he followed up that performance with two more such outings! He now has retired six batters in a row, a still-active streak that has shattered his previous season best of two. In the process, John's stats have settled to respectable levels after a very shaky beginning. His ERA is 2.45, opponents average against him is .313, and 50% of the runners he has inherited have scored. Now, these are not great stats, but John is headed in the right direction. He's starting to pitch like he did when he was a sprightly 39. While Julio was busy battling mummies, John has found a low-grade fountain of youth!

Oldest Batter Faced (week): Jeromy Burnitz, Cubs, 36 (80 cumulative years in this match-up. Jeromy spoken with a line-out to short).
Oldest Batter Faced (year): Larry Walker, Cardinals, 38.
Youngest Batter Faced (week): Alfredo Amezaga, 26 (born when John was 17, drinking very good beer that he purchased with a fake I.D.)
Youngest Batter Faced (year): Jose Reyes, 22.
Totals Batters Faced (week): 4, who were a combined 49 years younger than John (avg. 12.1 years younger).
Total Batters Faced (year): 16, who have been a combined 215 years younger than John (avg. 13.4 years younger).

Boiling Points

I've been friends with Joe for about 12 years now. He is one of my best friends. Joe is a lot of things, but one thing he definitely is not is quick-tempered. He's the kind of guy who'll go along with nearly any situation, much more likely to defer to the opinions of others rather than assert himself.

That's fine, but it wouldn't make him a prime candidate to be featured on a hidden camera prank show. Or would it?

Save for a few minor variations, MTV2's "Boiling Points" is yet another in the endless stream of "Candid Camera" style hidden-camera shows, in which individuals are put into infuriating positions, their reactions taped and broadcast to the world. For months, the producers of the show have been posting on Craig's List, looking for people to prank.

Fuck, I like to prank people. So I answered one of the Craig's List posts. In this particular post, "Boiling Points" was looking for quick-tempered single males. The set-up was that the unsuspecting male would be sent on a blind date. He was to meet this date at her work, and then leave to go to a bar from there. But here's the twist: they never leave the woman's place of work. She just orders the man around and gives him menial work-related chores until the man reaches his "boiling point" (which is apparently defined by cursing, yelling, or threatening violence).

I answered the Craig's List post, writing that my friend Joe would be perfect for the show, as he never took any shit from anyone. To show that he was TV-genic as well, I sent along a photo of him conducting an imaginary orchestra with a fork. He looks handsome in this photo.

To my surprise, I recieved a call back from MTV two days later. They were interested. I gave them Joe's number. They said they'd have "Rachel" call him shortly to ask him out on a date. I was to tell Joe that I was the one who knew this "Rachel", and to give him the heads-up that she would be calling to ask him out.

This wasn't as hard to do as it may sound. Joe has gone on a lot of dates in the past year, and is used to romantic possibilities arising in unpredictable ways. So he wasn't at all suspicious when I said I had met a girl who was interested in meeting him, and that I had even given her his number. He was just like "cool, dude". Maybe he said a little more than that, but this all happened last month, and a day to God is a thousand years. Do the math.

"Rachel" called Joe on a Monday. The date was set for Wednesday. Joe showed up, and the prank went down. Joe quickly reached his "boiling point", walking out on "Rachel" after just a few minutes (after admonishering her that he hadn't even heard one "please" or "thank you'" from her the entire time he was there).

I hope the prank makes it to the airwaves. Even if it doesn't, the experience was interesting, another diversion in a lifetime of diversions.

I find it very hard to be brief.

Al Leiter ERA Qualification Update #4 (4/24-5/1)

- in which we track the 39 year-old Marlins lefty in his quest for 162 Innings Pitched.

Al's ERA 5.66
Innings Pitched: 20.2
Marlins Games: 23
Qualifies? NO! (-2.1 innings)

(To qualify for the ERA title, a pitcher must average at least 1 inning pitched for each game played. In the NL, 61 pitchers currently qualify for the ERA title.)

Do not hit the "refresh" button on your computer screen. This is not a mistake. Al's ERA and innings pitched are exactly the same as last week, because Al did not pitch this week. Nope, not even one measly pitch. He was scheduled to start April 27th in Colorado. Well, that game was snowed out. So was the make-up double-header scheduled for the next day. Now, one would think that Marlins manager Jack McKeon would have simply given Al the start as soon as the team got out of Denver. One would be wrong. Al's turn in the rotation was cruelly skipped over. He now no longer qualifies for the ERA title as a result of this, as he is 2.1 innings below the minimum needed to qualify.

We're confident that a well-rested Al will vaunt back into qualifying status on May 3rd, when he starts against the Atlanta Braves. Al can't wait to get back on the mound, as an 11 day vacation is the last thing he wanted. He's got an ERA title to qualify for!

Stay tuned week to see how Al fared against the Braves. And, more importantly, whether he qualifies for the ERA title!

Remember, you can't spell Al Leiter without ERA!