Thursday, May 05, 2005

Unanswered Questions

"Ranger Rick had a ten foot dick,
and he showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake
and hit it with a rake
and now it's only 1 foot 4."

I am not clear on the origins of this little sing-songy poem, but it was well known around my elementary school (Madison Ave, circa 1986). At the time, me and my classmates thought it was funny, and we'd often say it to one another at recess. We all assumed that Ranger Rick was some kind of pervert, and that the lady next door was entirely justified in hitting his dick with a rake (reducing it's size by 104 inches in the process).

As I've moved onto adulthood, I've learned that most issues are not black and white, and that the truth of any situation is hard to discern. Some questions need to be asked of both Ranger Rick and the woman next door if we are to find out what really happened in this unfortunate dick-raking incident.

-Did Ranger Rick know the lady next door before exposing himself? If so, what was their relationship?

- Why would the lady next door think Ranger Rick's dick was a snake? Did Ranger Rick alter it's appearance?

- Did Ranger Rick suffer from some sort of condition that would cause his dick to be so freakishly large? If so, what was it? Was he proud of his condition, or was it a constant source of embarrassment?

-Was this "Ranger Rick" the same individual who had his own outdoors-related children's magazine? If so, he should have been extra-wary of exposing himself, considering the irreparable harm it had on his reputation. Perhpas that's why his eponymous magazine is no longer around.

We'll probably never know the answers to these questions, as I have no idea how to get in contact with either Ranger Rick or the lady next door. My own take on the situation is that Ranger Rick had no intent to be lecherous, his exposure to the lady next door was most likely a desperate cry for help.

But perhaps this story had a happy ending. Provided Ranger Rick's newly "1 foot 4" genitalia was still in good working order, I imagine it would be much easier to manage than when it was 10 feet long (how'd he even keep that thing in his pants, anyway?). Perhaps, once the lady next door realized she wasn't dealing with a snake, amorous relations developed between the two. 16 inches is still a lot of man.

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